I’ve been fairly quiet on the blog lately.
Quiet not because I don’t have anything to say, quiet because I have so much to say and little else really seemed important.
I have been keeping quiet about the fact that J and I are expecting our first baby in late May. I haven’t been quiet because I didn’t want to share or I like keeping secrets, I have been quiet because I have been scared.
First I just wanted to make it to 8 weeks. 8 weeks and then we’ll tell people.
Then I wanted to make it to 12 weeks. 12 weeks and then we’ll tell more people.
I started sharing little by little, telling people who are close to me, telling people who needed to know because of upcoming obligations like work or meetings or something happening in June that I hope to be busy for.
I wanted to make it to 20 weeks before I told most people and at 21 weeks we sent out New Year’s cards to the vast majority of our friends and family letting everyone know that we were expecting.
It felt really good and really terrifying to put those postcards in the mail.
At 27 weeks we announced on Facebook because other people were talking and we wanted to share our own news.
That felt exciting. It felt more real somehow. Maybe it was the ocean breeze filtering into the hotel room when we decided to announce from Grand Cayman.
Tomorrow I am 28 weeks and I am feeling blessed to have hit another healthy week with this baby boy.
I am terrified daily.
I am nervous that something will go wrong, that I’ll become a statistic, that somehow this isn’t real.
When I go hours without feeling movement I immediately rush to drink cold water or eat something sugary hoping that I can get the little guy to punch me.
J constantly reminds me that the baby needs sleep and is going through growth spurts.
I’m glad that he’s got the calm and rational part of our relationship covered :).
Books and friends and strangers on random websites remind me that every time I move I am lulling my boy to sleep.
Growing a baby is SO WEIRD. Cool, but WEIRD. And nerve wrecking. Have I mentioned the nerves?
I didn’t know that I could care so much and worry so much about someone who isn’t even born yet.
I didn’t know that he could make me cry before he even enters the world.
I didn’t know that I could feel such an overwhelming sense of protection for this babe before I can hold his hand.
But I do. All of those things. So many emotions.
I was already a crier… and now with the hormones. Oof.
I have been fortunate to have had a healthy pregnancy so far. I have struggled in the past and I see so many of my friends struggling currently because we all just want to be a Mom, to start a family.
I was quiet because I was scared to be open, but it’s funny because the more open that J and I are (and obviously it’s hard to hide in person at this point), the more love we feel.
When people say “boy or girl?” and I tell them it’s a boy they get SO excited. I am 100% sure that it’d be the same if I said girl, but a little piece of me thinks that we’re pretty darn lucky to be having a boy. 6 months ago I would have just wanted a healthy baby. Now I can’t imagine having a different healthy baby than the one growing right here.
This one. This one is meant to be ours.
It is so awesome to hear people say “you’re going to be a great Mom”. I don’t know if that’s true but I am sure as hell going to try.
For years I have worried about diet and exercise and being healthy – for me.
Now I focus and worry about being healthy for him too.
I am trying not to compare my pregnancy to anyone else’s.
I have had symptoms that my friends say are different than theirs. I don’t look like some of my other friends did at this stage of their pregnancy.
Every time I tell my doctor about something that I am feeling she says, “welcome to being pregnant”.
It annoyed me at first – I am not like everyone else! My symptom is something. And it is. It is the story of my pregnancy. I find the “welcome to being pregnant” eerily calming now.
I hope for those words every 4 weeks.
That and more importantly, “looks great!”
I really didn’t know that I could feel so much love so early in a relationship.
J and I spend hours talking about life pre and post baby.
“We should do this before the baby arrives because we won’t be able to do it after.”
“When we do this next year the babe will be X age…”
“Will baby like this?”
We are organizing and cleaning and purging like you wouldn’t believe.
In the last 6+ months I’ve missed my grandparents and my dog more than ever. I can just hear in my heart how proud my grandparents would be if they were here to
talk brag about their great-grandson.
A new generation.
A little man.
I can picture Cohen walking next to the stroller, protecting his buddy. I can see a little boy’s hand to the side of the stroller watching for his dog.
A boy needs a dog and although we’re not quite ready, our boy will someday have his dog.
It’s been a true blessing to be pregnant.
I feel healthy.
I feel happy.
I feel disorganized but totally content in this moment.
All of this to say that for now, I am letting whatever will be be.
I am trying to let go of worry and fear because I suspect that there will be plenty of that when I can hold the little guy in my arms.
For now, I will feel grateful that our boy is protected from the world in his little bubble and I will continue to feel tremendously thankful for every kick, hiccup and punch.
I can’t wait to meet this boy in 12 weeks. It’s becoming a bit more real every day and my gratitude for that realness overwhelms me.
Keep growing baby.