I have been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am that I get to be on this parenting journey with someone that I love deeply and how thankful I am when he comes home at the end of the day. I can’t imagine doing this on my own – making those middle of the night decisions solo. Worrying solo. Experiencing this joy solo.
I have been thinking about single mothers. About how it must feel to be the one making every decision and being responsible for every demand placed on her by her child.
I have been thinking that being a mom is hard. Harder than I ever understood. Everyone talks about the joy of being a mom and oh man, is there joy. But the struggle? The emotional roller coaster? The sheer exhaustion? Maybe I didn’t ask the right questions or spend enough time with my new mom friends.
The physical demands are exhausting. The worries, the being scared, the hearing your child laugh or seeing them smile at you for the first time… those emotions take me to places that I never knew existed.
I am elated that I was able to get pregnant and have Simon – I will forever feel blessed because I have this child in my life. I wouldn’t trade this experience. Not in a million years.
He is my world and I will do anything to ensure that he is safe, well loved and well cared for, but knowing that he is the best thing that has happened to me doesn’t make being a mom any easier.
My life has changed in big and small ways that I never imagined before Simon was born.
There are days when all I want to do is cuddle, dance, and make him laugh. There are other days when I miss sleep so much my eyelids hurt. I get annoyed that I can’t do anything that I need 2 hands for and that I can’t go run errands without worrying about a car seat and stroller.
I can’t understand why some days he just won’t NAP.
I hear crying when it doesn’t exist and the faintest peep through the monitor wakes me. I’m a mom. Worrying is just what I do now.
I have had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows in the last 12 weeks (!), but I wouldn’t trade any of those sleepless moments.
This boy made me a mom. I have wanted to be a mom for a long time. I know that not everyone is given this opportunity and for that I am eternally grateful.
He is making me stronger. He is making me see the world through infant eyes that only see opportunities for exploration and good in people.
When he looks at me I see myself through his eyes and as many times as I (we) have questioned if I (we) are doing this or that right, what I know in this moment is that my (our) boy is thriving. Absolutely, positively.
The decisions that we make in haste or with thought are always in Simon’s best interest. He is going to grow up with love. No matter what, my child will feel love.
At the end of the day, amidst all of my fears and worries, I know that loving him is the most important thing that I can do for Simon.
I think that the best advice that I received soon after Simon was born, when I was exhausted and wondered how I was going to do it all, was from my Aunt who said that it didn’t matter what I bought Simon or what things we had. What mattered is that we spent time together and loved each other.
It was a small comment that has left a big impact.
I want him to have the best things and the best experiences, but if I can give him my time and attention then I know he has enough, which is the absolute most important thing I can give him.
This journey of being a parent will have many twists and turns, I am certain of it. I am on board fully and with immense pride in my boy.
We took a few pictures yesterday between fighting naps… he might be tired and cranky (or maybe that’s just me) but he is darn cute (and I acknowledge that I may be slightly biased).
Polkadot sheets are from Land of Nod
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