I am preparing to go back to work soon, which means that I am trying to fit in everything that I can think of into these next couple of weeks. For me certainly (eye doctor, dentist, etc…) but mostly for me and Simon.
He is growing and changing so fast, but I have known almost his every move since the moment he was born and in a couple of weeks I have to go back to work. I fear that I will miss out on too many “firsts”.
He is going to be receiving wonderful care with the nanny and he’ll play with his cousin all day, but it doesn’t make the transition any easier.
I primarily work from home, but I work long days full of conference calls, power point presentations, and excel files. I have a global team who keep me on my toes. I’m not sure I’m going to have a ton of time to worry about Simon, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t think about and miss him.
I guess that I am also scared that I’ve lost all of my mojo for Corporate America. I’m nervous that “mommy brain” will impact my work.
I have spent 12+ years trying to climb the corporate ladder and for the first time I am comfortable staying put on the rung that I am on. I have a pretty fierce work ethic and I am not the type of person who gives up or gives in easily, but that doesn’t mean that I am not afraid.
Being a mom is the hardest job that I have ever had but it’s also the one that I am most proud of. Plenty of rungs to climb and accolades to work towards here.
I don’t know yet how to be both solid and competent employee and solid, competent, and engaged mom.
I know I’ll figure it out, but I also know that my boundaries have to be different. That when I say I work certain hours I need to mean it and respect it. That I need others to respect it too, even if they don’t understand it. That means that I have to work really hard to ensure that I am efficient during the hours that I do work so that my work doesn’t creep into the hours that I don’t want to work.
I don’t want to miss every first. I want to make sure that I am present when I am with Simon.
I don’t want to stop being proud of my work at work. I want to be present when I am at work.
Doing jobs half way isn’t really me, so I’ve got to just figure out the right balance. Some days I may tip more to one side than the other, but I always want to be present in the moment that I am in.
I was thinking today about what I hope Simon knows when he is away from me during the day.
I hope that he knows he is loved. That he is loved so hard that my heart hurts sometimes thinking about it.
I hope that he knows that he should be free to explore, try new things, and find his independence but that he can always come back and hold my hand.
I hope that he knows how to be respectful with others and to others.
I hope that he knows that things are not the most important aspect of life.
I hope that he knows that I am thinking about him throughout the day.
I hope that he knows that his dad and I work to ensure that our family is taken care of.
I hope that he knows that when his dad or I pick him up from the nanny that it is the best moment of either of our days.
I hope he knows that when he laughs my heart explodes.
I may not be physically present with him all day, but I hope that he knows that he is in my heart 100% of the time.
I pre-maturely took Simon to the park on Tuesday so that he could swing with me for the first time. I know that’s silly. I know he is too young to really “swing” and some might criticize me for putting an almost 4 month old in a swing to begin with.
I know that most of his “firsts” can’t be staged – they will happen when they happen, but this is one that I knew would happen soon and I just wanted to witness that moment. I wanted to say that I was there for his first swing.
What a silly thing, the act of swinging, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. He didn’t seem to mind – the weather was beautiful and I think he had fun watching the other kids run and play. He didn’t even really “swing”, but we were there, enjoying the outdoors and enjoying each other and that made me happy.
I work myself up and get stuck in my head sometimes. I get sad when I think about my impending return to work because I have to give up my hours with Simon. Deep down I am CERTAIN that being with someone other than me, learning to socialize and try different things, is going to be really good for him – probably for me too. It might even allow me to be more present when I am with him, which is what I want more than anything.
I am a collector of moments. I like to witness them. I don’t want to miss out on too many.
“I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway… let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves.” ― C. JoyBell C.